The Funky Times of Marriage Part 2

Please excuse the lengthy intermission...life, pregnancy, winter sickness and travel have made for quite the time crunch lately.  Did I mention we found out we are having a BOY?!  All praise to God for a healthy baby boy on the way!!

Anyhow, speaking of winter sickness and the funky times of life...

Wes and I recently traveled to Colorado for a conference where we got sick, sick, sick.  On the plane ride out there, we stayed on the same aircraft for 2 of the flights...where we got to observe something quite telling go down.

In the row in front of us, there was a guy sitting next to the window and one in the aisle seat, with no one in between them for the first leg of the flight.  Not much going on for the two fellas, a little "ginger ale please", "I'll pass on the peanuts" and "please return your seats to their full and upright position" was the extent of their interaction to the world outside row 5.

Until...

She arrived.  When the plane stopped for a short layover in Tulsa, a cute blond got on and sat right in between our quiet guys in row 5.  Wes started feeling sick almost immediately (we later found out it was distinctly a rough G.I. bug, but still very timely). 

These guys went from silent types to winner and runner-up in the biggest and best "One-Upper" contest I have yet to witness.  You know what I'm talking about people...window guy mentions he is going skiing at a friend's place right on the slopes; aisle guy mentions he owns a place on the very same slope.  Window guy has his own business; aisle guy buys and sells businesses.  It went on and on and on, I kid you not, for the entire 1 hour and 40 minute flight.  Honestly.

The whole scene brought lots of eye rolling to Wes and I, as his stomach got sicker and sicker.  But seriously, on a another level the "look at me show" brought a real insight into the heart of a man.  It was clear: they longed to be heroic to someone, to be the best to someone, to capture someone's awe...and they would fight for it if they had to.

Isn't that so true about our husbands ladies?  In a life full of the daily grind ho-hum, there is something in deep in the heart of our men that longs for us to notice. To notice the work they put in at work, yes the boss sees, but when is the last time we thanked our hubbys for providing for us, drawing out their concerns, or celebrating and aweing at their accomplishments...no matter how large or how small?

I love Proverbs 20:5, "The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out." 

May I paraphrase the verse this way:  "The purposes in our husbands' hearts are deep waters, a wife of keen study, care, understanding and with God's help, draws out his depth."

Wes mentioned to me recently a friend who said "I just don't think I am very deep," ...devastating, we both thought.  Of course our guys have depth, God created them so.  And God has given us a unique place to draw them out within marriage, and a unique desire on the part of our husbands to be drawn out by us.

One my biggest struggles I have HAD to overcome is learning to listen.  I can talk, advise, fix somebody all day (hey, I am a blogger...right?) but learning to listen is an art I am still trying to master. Check out Proverbs 18:2 "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions."

So to paraphrase the opposite, "A lady of wisdom finds great pleasure in understanding a situation, and would share opinions with caution and discernment."

Lord help me.

Can I be honest?  Most days when Wes comes home I want to hand over charge of Alice and dinner and do a flying leap into the bathtub, all while verbally dumping on him all that went wrong in my day. 

Then I hear Prov. 18:2 in my spirit, I get a gentle reminder that Wes has had a lot go on for him that day too... and God has given him me (yes, he is stuck) to be the person to draw him out and notice.  I certainly don't want him floundering on a plane, or in his heart becoming shut down....because I haven't taken the time to notice him.

This is part of laying down our lives, ladies.  Sure, we have a TON going too, but that's another post, and this one is getting us in better shape for our guys.

Interestingly enough, our two guys on the plane were both married.  They both talked about their wives and families.  It wasn't that they were looking for love, for cheating necessarily....but they were looking, aching, begging for someone to notice.

The Funky Times of Marriage Part 1

It is on my heart to do a "mini" series on being a married lady... the funny, fun things, the challenging things and the heart-change things...enjoy!!  Also pray for me as I write over the coming weeks...God bless you in your marriage, guy or gal!

I come to you today with much 'fear and trembling' to share with you a topic a-burning in my heart.  A "burden" to share some truths about being a wife is welling up in me and comes on the heels of a men's panel we had at our mom's group last week.
Wes and I seem get in "funk" sometimes...(you know one of those 2 or 3 day stretches where you just argue seemingly non stop?  Anyone?) I just don't have a better word for it.  You both feel funky apart or together, the mood is, well, funky, yuck.

We are real people and we just have times like that.  It's like God allows something to come up in one or both of us and there is a "painful rub" (if you will) between us until we finally get with God, get together and open the lines of humble and loving communication.

A mentor of mine has called this "rub" between us the "sandpaper" of God, ah hum, marriage.  (Happy on the quotations today "apparently")  The stuff that we have to face about ourselves...sin, expectations, disobedience, hardness of heart, past experiences, (need I go on?) when we are forced to live with another human in covenant relationship. 

Oh it's hard, but so awesome- as it is that very course, gritty sandpaper makes us more like Jesus if we allow the Holy Spirit to move us into God's love for each other and Christ's perseverance. (2 Thess. 3:5)

Over this series, I would like to share with you some things God had lovingly showed me in the funkiest of times. 

Anyhow, it was one of those sandpaper times for Wes and I.  Yes people, we have those, this is how I know so much about said "sandpaper".  It seemed like we could not even open our mouths without simple conversation turning into an argument.   For fictional example: "Pass me the ketchup," says Wes and "What do you mean by that?!" says Cat.  You have been there, right?!

Ugh, feels so defeating, doesn't it? 

I must admit I usually begin to just pray (and pray even though I know better) that God would change my husband...he's the one who needs it God...and if God you could just show him how asking for the ketchup was so hurtful, then he would repent of his ketchup asking ways and I would forgive him.

Ok, so arguments in real-life are sometimes (not always I humbly confess to you) more major than the ketchup meltdown, but don't we so often apply the "God fix him, he's wrong" attitude of prayer and conflict resolution?!

Of course, dear friends, it may be true that hubby is in the wrong, not hearing you, being selfish...etc.  But to first start by pointing out his mess is simply not biblical.  Let me say again, much fear and trembling. I don't communicate this lightly, fellow wife,  knowing the many, many pains most of us have been through or will walk through in marriage.

Jesus tells us (I like to think He is personally pleading with me and my thick head) to 1st remove the plank in our own eyes before pointing out the speck of dust in another's.  The psalmist models for us earnest heart change prayer when he cries out "show me any offensive way in me!" 

Not him, me.

I am beyond thankful I have a patient God and that He has given me a patient husband, as I seem to have to learn certain lessons over and over again.  Let me also say, I am also thankful for the countless girl friends who model this for me daily, Shout out!  You know who you are sisters.

If we believe the Bible is God's very word to us, we must follow dear friends!  Do not grow weary, do not grow faint as we choose to resolve conflict in a mature, loving and biblical way.  Oh there is a cost.  It will hurt, we may not get it right every time, our flesh certainly won't like it, but on the other side there are mountains of blessing for the faithful! 

When we humble ourselves (only by the power of the Holy Spirit, certainly not in this girl's strength!) to hear our husbands first, this is truly, daily, in the trenches of life-application, what Jesus refers to as the greatest love of all "laying down your life for one another." 

Forgiveness before repentance, listening before speaking, acting in love while feeling injustice...all lower the walls of the precious man by my side, if not at first, eventually, and if not at all, then we choose to trust God that His word is true.  If walls remain, we rejoice knowing we are not carrying around unforgiveness and the burden of demanding our own ways and rights, but that God has enabled us to lift up our hubbies before ourselves.

Come back for more of what is learned in the funks...Bless you!

Recognizing our Gifts

I really like to shop. Ok, maybe "love" is the more appropriate word here.  Funny thing is I am not a huge "buyer", I just love the shopping part.  I am actually a pretty frugal gal with Aldi, Forever 21 and TJ Maxx being some of the hot spots that top my most frequented list (clearance racks preferred..except Aldi, of course).

I love getting ideas browsing through Pottery Barn and specialty catalogs...maybe it's that I like making things more beautiful.  How about you?  Are you a shopper?  Of course, we are all "consumers" but some of us gain real joy in the hunt and card swipe.

Since I can think of no appropriate segway here's the point:  It occurred to me that my love for shopping is really a gift.  No really.  I know, most of us think of such a love as a curse.  (If we don't think it, our husbands sure may!)  Now, I'm not talking about overspending or living beyond our means...I am talking about the deeper layer, the things that bring us joy, the way we are wired.

What brings you joy?  Music, theatre, sports, teaching, exercise, the beach...shopping?  Did you know that is a gift?  Every good and perfect gift comes from above, dear friend!  (James 1:17) You and I are made on purpose, with purpose...with unique likes and dislikes, things that bring us joy and things that drain us. 

Of course, the context of shopping gets a bad reputation because of our sinful, lust-for-more side, has sent many of us over the edge into debt and using new purchases as a replacement for a deep connection with the living God. 

Satan, the enemy of our souls, loves to twist our joys...doesn't he?  Oh he SO knows their importance and power!

Let's take inventory.  A sure way to know our gifts is to take a look at what brings us JOY, what energizes you?  I know for me, some of my personal joy boosters are exercise, dance, teaching, being with people, laughing, writing and (as formentioned)...of course shopping. 

So how in the world are those gifts?!  I would not even know where to begin to share the meaningful talks about Jesus I have had with friends, precious time spent with Wes, songs sang with Alice, prayers prayed for friends and family...all while taking walks in the park for exercise. 

I have had opportunities to help friends and family shop who needed major shopping help and were either pressed for time or didn't know where to go or how to start... and have been thanking God for my help when we are done!   All because I love to shop.

We get so religious don't we? 

While the outpouring of our gifts is certainly no substitute for intimacy with Christ, there is revival for our spirits that comes from doing things that we love, things we were created for, and using those joys to bless others.  Using our gifts is a real and practical way the "joy of the Lord can be our strength" friends!  (Nehemiah 8:10)

Oh take a look at your joys, recognize your giftings, ask the Holy Spirit where to use them and change the world around you!  It gets me excited at just the thought...and I pray it does you too.  Let's continue to spur one another onto more good deeds...(Heb. 10:24)

I would love to hear what God shows you!

Rest for Us

My 2 year-old has been "down" for her nap for an hour now.  And even though we do this everyday, same time, same place, same book/song/prayer routine...today she is jumping and shouting in her bed rather than sleeping.

If you have kids, do they do this too?!  I'm sure a time or two.   I just want to do some "adult" reasoning with her and say (as she gives me interrupted eye contact and says Yes Ma'am unprompted) "Alice, most of us would do anything for an intentional daily nap time, even rest time!"  

I must laugh at myself at the thought of her doing something much more probable... like hanging upside down with hair in her face singing Dwingle Bells (aka Jingle Bells...yes, I know it's mid-January) while I "reason" with her.

What is it that makes me nuts about said situation? 

You see, by missing this rest time, my sweet girl has a much more difficult time listening to Mommy and Daddy as the evening progresses.  She will, most likely, have more hard disciplinary moments. Her concentration goes quickly in the negative direction and literally, her head spins.  Seriously, she twists her head from side to side looking like a human chopper.  Amazing.

Aren't we similar? I can relate with her, for sure.

The rebellion to resting reaps for us much the same as adults.

Although mine looks more "refined" and I certainly can pridefully hide it better, rebelling to rest is something I am mighty good at. 

If I'm really honest, "rest" for me is some sort of four letter word.  Ugh, I am such a production lover. Deep down I need some un-winding, re-teaching on rest, Lord!  

There is rest for the weary and burdened, Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Notice, first, we must come.

That's what keeps me from resting the most often.  Answering the request to come.  Sure, I go to Him most mornings, and with the big things, emergent things, church prayer requests...etc.  But what about all those day to day, nitty gritty times when I feel just as Jesus describes... "weary and burdened". 

When Wes has been on call for days, Alice is not napping and I am weary? Come.  When finances are tight, relationships are stretched and I feel burdened?  Come.  What about at 3:30 in the afternoon when I don't know what to make for supper? Come. 

When I choose to come to my Lord, I find rest.  I can hear Him better, follow Him with ease. Kinda like my 2-year-old after a nice long afternoon nap. (which, btw, I don't think is happening today!)

Lord change us all at the heart- We don't want to be in the same place as a child, just walking it out in acceptable adult terms! Lord help us to press on to maturity on the area of rest so we can hear you more clearly and follow you more nearly!

God Bless you as you rest in Him!

Re-thinking Resolutions

And a Happy New Year to you! 

I have about decided I'm just not one to make New Year's resolutions.  Not that there's anything inherently wrong with them or anything, I just don't seem to stick with them.  Not even until the end of January, when I am left feeling slightly defeated and wondering..."what was I thinking in the first place?"

Are you like me?

Anyhow, while at the gym this week, I've heard all sorts of buzz on various morning shows about doing "self analysis" to kick off the new year, and after such analysis, seeing where your resolution would best fit.  By doing such analysis, one would know...aha! Weight loss, that's my goal! or Better money management in 2011! or More time with my family-that's my area of need!

Really, while I get where the various hosts and guest authors are going, I must ask...does such "self-analysis" produce fruit from a vine unchanged?

It's so easy to spot the problems (in ourselves, our spouses, children and co-workers so on and so on!).  We can easily point to..."Aha!  I have anger issues, and in 2011 I am going to get my anger under control!" feel good about that decision for about 25-30 days (hey, some of us can even make it to February on decision alone!) and then fall flat and... well, angry again before the snow clears in March.

What's the problem?  Where's the change? 

Now seriously, this is such a struggle, to release the areas we so desperately want to change into the loving and capable hands of Christ.  We want change NOW. 

We want to grab the reins, drive out those 10 pounds with low carb living, never addressing allowing our loving God to cultivate in us the long term fruit of self-control.  (Been there too many times to count people, it's better God's way, trust Him!)

Maybe we try the latest anger control technique we read up on, count to 10, breathe deeply while standing outside on our heads (or something like that)... and all the while the storm continues to rage within because we never allow the Holy Spirit to touch the unforgiveness and unmet expectations in our hearts.

Oh Lord give us patience to allow you to work in us in 2011!  Let your will be done!  Most often, turning over an area to God where we long for change is a painful, pruning, slow breaking process.  (ready to sign up?!)

The Good News, dear friends, when God does the work in us, from the inside out; when He first cleans the inside of the cup, the outside will be clean.  There will be the beautiful fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control. 

So, instead of said "self-analysis" maybe we should cry out like David, asking the Holy Spirit to show us any offenses in us and undergo something that starts with a cry of "Holy Spirit, analyze me!"

Monitoring the Overflow of the Heart

As I sit down in my desk chair (finally!) to finish this post...I pray this finds you well, and full of Joy this Christmas!

So-

We've all done it...had a lingering thought about it. You know, that fantasy where the you run into the person person who has wronged you (looking your best- also kids are perfectly behaving) and you have just the right thing to say to make them feel as small as possible. Or worse, you get the opportunity to actually take the shot and proceed.

Ewww. Then it hits you (ah hum, me). Well, then they hit me, rather. "They" being the many thing coming out of my heart in this scenario of uglies.

First, and most striking, is... ouch, yuck and how did that get there?! What is coming out of my heart Lord!  As I realize, dear friend, that my thoughts... and especially my words are not just random floaties with no undercurrent riding on the Diet Coke of life.  James 2 anyone?

In fact, Jesus tells us, "For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of" in Luke 6:45b. 
So if my mouth says something nasty...there is nasty in my heart?  Seriously that simple?!  That's what He said, and He is ever-correct.

So then, could it be that old saying, "I didn't mean it!" sometimes really means "I didn't want that to come out that way!"; or "Oh my, I've obviously got unresolved messiness in the heart!"; and maybe most important, "I need to reach to my God, Healer and Provider... and did I say fast?!"

Instead of living condemned by our untimely, hurtful words, let's allow those little uglies be the very things that drive us into our hearts- and into the One who leads us to forgiveness, peace and cleanliness of the heart. Not an excuse for sin, a replacement for repentance, but a means of heart level, course-correction.

You know, the overflow of the heart can be one of the most beautiful pictures of heaven on earth, where earnest forgiveness, blessing, and encouragement all flow.  Where we commune together, bearing with one another...I think we have all been on the receiving end of such love at least once.

LIFE in Christmas Pt. 2: What's the Point?

In these busy days filled with shopping, cooking, eating the cooking, parties (not to mention regular work days and/or managing our homes and families) I have to ask the question…why?  Why the running, the excessive sweets and full calendars?  Seriously, as basic as it sounds… sometimes it is to basics we must return.

I have to remind myself, not to mention my little one, about the famed baby, the ‘reason for the season’.  The God incarnate, Jesus Christ, came, fully God, fully man, to live among humanity in perfection on this Christmas Day!  Rejoice, Rejoice! Emmanuel has come to the Oh Israel!  (you know the song)  This is our Christ, whom we profess as Lord, if we know Him, destined to die on a cross as a payment for all sins, for all man kind, to be raised from the dead, and conquer death once and for all!

Whew!  Praise this King of Kings!  Can you picture the scene of our God in a manger? Can you imagine what Mary and Joseph must have been thinking?  I must wonder what angelic music must have resounded… as they rejoiced in seeing God’s deliverance take human flesh.

SO THEN fellow Christmas Fighter, how do we carry this glory message with us in the Christmas season?  We must remain intentional, or we will surely drown in the ocean of holiday demands.

Here are some tips I hope and pray will help us all (myself included!):

• Turn off the TV and Read through Luke chapter 2 as a family.  Oh my word, good stuff people.  Bring on the tissues.
• Take a little time and money to give to a charity as a family and share together about God’s love.  For example, this year, Alice and I made a box for Operation Christmas Child for a girl her age.  It was such fun and she really got to connect with giving…so precious.
• Bake a batch of Christmas cookies for that neighbor who drives you nuts, and talk through forgiveness and God’s love together. (Luke 6)
• Have your kids act out different characters from the Christmas story…Mary, shepherds, wise men…etc.  Maybe you can even get your husband to be your choice of barn animal :) ?
• Clean out old toys as a family and donate them to families in need, praying over the toys as you go and the children who will be blessed by them!
• Try giving each of your children a couple of dollars in quarters and allowing them to give to various holiday collections they choose, and then take time talk about it as a family.  Ex: How did that make you feel?  How do you think that blessed God’s heart?
• Check out this poem to go along with a piece M&M candy…share it together over a bag one night!
  
  Tell the poem as you hold these candies in your hand and as you turn them, you will see the M becomes a W, an E and a 3.
  
  
  

M&M Nativity

      By Pam Ridenour (I think, correct me if I'm wrong)

They tell the Christmas story,
it's one I'm sure you know,
It took place in a stable,
a long, long time ago.

The E is for the East where the star shines so bright.

The M is for the Manger
where baby Jesus slept that night.

The 3 is for the wise men bearing gifts,
with haste they came.

W is for Worship, angels sang praise to His name.

So as you eat these candies
or share them with a friend,
Remember the true spirit of Christmas
and never let it end!