The Funky Times of Marriage Part 2

Please excuse the lengthy intermission...life, pregnancy, winter sickness and travel have made for quite the time crunch lately.  Did I mention we found out we are having a BOY?!  All praise to God for a healthy baby boy on the way!!

Anyhow, speaking of winter sickness and the funky times of life...

Wes and I recently traveled to Colorado for a conference where we got sick, sick, sick.  On the plane ride out there, we stayed on the same aircraft for 2 of the flights...where we got to observe something quite telling go down.

In the row in front of us, there was a guy sitting next to the window and one in the aisle seat, with no one in between them for the first leg of the flight.  Not much going on for the two fellas, a little "ginger ale please", "I'll pass on the peanuts" and "please return your seats to their full and upright position" was the extent of their interaction to the world outside row 5.

Until...

She arrived.  When the plane stopped for a short layover in Tulsa, a cute blond got on and sat right in between our quiet guys in row 5.  Wes started feeling sick almost immediately (we later found out it was distinctly a rough G.I. bug, but still very timely). 

These guys went from silent types to winner and runner-up in the biggest and best "One-Upper" contest I have yet to witness.  You know what I'm talking about people...window guy mentions he is going skiing at a friend's place right on the slopes; aisle guy mentions he owns a place on the very same slope.  Window guy has his own business; aisle guy buys and sells businesses.  It went on and on and on, I kid you not, for the entire 1 hour and 40 minute flight.  Honestly.

The whole scene brought lots of eye rolling to Wes and I, as his stomach got sicker and sicker.  But seriously, on a another level the "look at me show" brought a real insight into the heart of a man.  It was clear: they longed to be heroic to someone, to be the best to someone, to capture someone's awe...and they would fight for it if they had to.

Isn't that so true about our husbands ladies?  In a life full of the daily grind ho-hum, there is something in deep in the heart of our men that longs for us to notice. To notice the work they put in at work, yes the boss sees, but when is the last time we thanked our hubbys for providing for us, drawing out their concerns, or celebrating and aweing at their accomplishments...no matter how large or how small?

I love Proverbs 20:5, "The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out." 

May I paraphrase the verse this way:  "The purposes in our husbands' hearts are deep waters, a wife of keen study, care, understanding and with God's help, draws out his depth."

Wes mentioned to me recently a friend who said "I just don't think I am very deep," ...devastating, we both thought.  Of course our guys have depth, God created them so.  And God has given us a unique place to draw them out within marriage, and a unique desire on the part of our husbands to be drawn out by us.

One my biggest struggles I have HAD to overcome is learning to listen.  I can talk, advise, fix somebody all day (hey, I am a blogger...right?) but learning to listen is an art I am still trying to master. Check out Proverbs 18:2 "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions."

So to paraphrase the opposite, "A lady of wisdom finds great pleasure in understanding a situation, and would share opinions with caution and discernment."

Lord help me.

Can I be honest?  Most days when Wes comes home I want to hand over charge of Alice and dinner and do a flying leap into the bathtub, all while verbally dumping on him all that went wrong in my day. 

Then I hear Prov. 18:2 in my spirit, I get a gentle reminder that Wes has had a lot go on for him that day too... and God has given him me (yes, he is stuck) to be the person to draw him out and notice.  I certainly don't want him floundering on a plane, or in his heart becoming shut down....because I haven't taken the time to notice him.

This is part of laying down our lives, ladies.  Sure, we have a TON going too, but that's another post, and this one is getting us in better shape for our guys.

Interestingly enough, our two guys on the plane were both married.  They both talked about their wives and families.  It wasn't that they were looking for love, for cheating necessarily....but they were looking, aching, begging for someone to notice.

The Funky Times of Marriage Part 1

It is on my heart to do a "mini" series on being a married lady... the funny, fun things, the challenging things and the heart-change things...enjoy!!  Also pray for me as I write over the coming weeks...God bless you in your marriage, guy or gal!

I come to you today with much 'fear and trembling' to share with you a topic a-burning in my heart.  A "burden" to share some truths about being a wife is welling up in me and comes on the heels of a men's panel we had at our mom's group last week.
Wes and I seem get in "funk" sometimes...(you know one of those 2 or 3 day stretches where you just argue seemingly non stop?  Anyone?) I just don't have a better word for it.  You both feel funky apart or together, the mood is, well, funky, yuck.

We are real people and we just have times like that.  It's like God allows something to come up in one or both of us and there is a "painful rub" (if you will) between us until we finally get with God, get together and open the lines of humble and loving communication.

A mentor of mine has called this "rub" between us the "sandpaper" of God, ah hum, marriage.  (Happy on the quotations today "apparently")  The stuff that we have to face about ourselves...sin, expectations, disobedience, hardness of heart, past experiences, (need I go on?) when we are forced to live with another human in covenant relationship. 

Oh it's hard, but so awesome- as it is that very course, gritty sandpaper makes us more like Jesus if we allow the Holy Spirit to move us into God's love for each other and Christ's perseverance. (2 Thess. 3:5)

Over this series, I would like to share with you some things God had lovingly showed me in the funkiest of times. 

Anyhow, it was one of those sandpaper times for Wes and I.  Yes people, we have those, this is how I know so much about said "sandpaper".  It seemed like we could not even open our mouths without simple conversation turning into an argument.   For fictional example: "Pass me the ketchup," says Wes and "What do you mean by that?!" says Cat.  You have been there, right?!

Ugh, feels so defeating, doesn't it? 

I must admit I usually begin to just pray (and pray even though I know better) that God would change my husband...he's the one who needs it God...and if God you could just show him how asking for the ketchup was so hurtful, then he would repent of his ketchup asking ways and I would forgive him.

Ok, so arguments in real-life are sometimes (not always I humbly confess to you) more major than the ketchup meltdown, but don't we so often apply the "God fix him, he's wrong" attitude of prayer and conflict resolution?!

Of course, dear friends, it may be true that hubby is in the wrong, not hearing you, being selfish...etc.  But to first start by pointing out his mess is simply not biblical.  Let me say again, much fear and trembling. I don't communicate this lightly, fellow wife,  knowing the many, many pains most of us have been through or will walk through in marriage.

Jesus tells us (I like to think He is personally pleading with me and my thick head) to 1st remove the plank in our own eyes before pointing out the speck of dust in another's.  The psalmist models for us earnest heart change prayer when he cries out "show me any offensive way in me!" 

Not him, me.

I am beyond thankful I have a patient God and that He has given me a patient husband, as I seem to have to learn certain lessons over and over again.  Let me also say, I am also thankful for the countless girl friends who model this for me daily, Shout out!  You know who you are sisters.

If we believe the Bible is God's very word to us, we must follow dear friends!  Do not grow weary, do not grow faint as we choose to resolve conflict in a mature, loving and biblical way.  Oh there is a cost.  It will hurt, we may not get it right every time, our flesh certainly won't like it, but on the other side there are mountains of blessing for the faithful! 

When we humble ourselves (only by the power of the Holy Spirit, certainly not in this girl's strength!) to hear our husbands first, this is truly, daily, in the trenches of life-application, what Jesus refers to as the greatest love of all "laying down your life for one another." 

Forgiveness before repentance, listening before speaking, acting in love while feeling injustice...all lower the walls of the precious man by my side, if not at first, eventually, and if not at all, then we choose to trust God that His word is true.  If walls remain, we rejoice knowing we are not carrying around unforgiveness and the burden of demanding our own ways and rights, but that God has enabled us to lift up our hubbies before ourselves.

Come back for more of what is learned in the funks...Bless you!